"A Divorced Parent's Guide to Seeing Your Kids" What Judges, Attorneys and your Ex have not told you.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Know Your Rights as a Parent

Get Your Own Attorney

Bringing Accountability to the Judicial System

Successful Mediation and Negotiation

What We Allow B We Teach

The Danger of Anger

Communicate With Hope

Knowledge Reduces Fear

Some Practical Do's and Don'ts

Focus on Your Child's Brain

How to Preserve Your Sanity

Increase Your R.O.E.I.

Problem Solving Skills

Seeing Tomorrow

Endure

One Last Word

Appendices

..."And Justice For All" - An open letter to every Judge in every court system
"Deliverance from Disappointment" (excerpt from Uncommon Sense for Unreasonable Times by S. Walrath)
Children's Rights 159
Guidelines for Coparenting Placement"
Children's Common Reactions to Transitions
Ways to Help Your Young Child Make Transitions From One Parent's Home to the Other
Affirmations
Parental Alienation Worksheet
Monthly Update & Planner 171
Games Parents Play 172
Games Children Play 175
Memo from Judge Richard Carter 177
D.O.R. Sheet

 

Introduction

"Lameness is an impediment to the leg, but not to the will."
-- Enchiridion by Epictetus

I've started this book numerous times, but it hurt too much to work at it for very long. This is extremely personal and, yet, I am compelled by the thought and vision of other parents who desire to see their kids but are held back because they don't understand the system, don't understand their ex, and are intimidated by judge's rulings and court hearings. Most parents are like I once was: naive to what is really going on during the decision-making moments of a divorce and subsequent custody/visitation issues. I know how you feel. I know your frustration, and even that is too mild a word.

Frustration is when you have a flat tire and the spare won't go on as easily as it should. Not being able to see your kids is more like a combustible combination of anger, pain, disbelief and desperation mixed with fear, guilt and remorse to arrive at the feeling of "frustration." We're talking human relationships of the highest order -- you and your child -- and you are being denied that relationship.

I am no one special. I do not have a doctorate degree in child psychology, nor have I studied the various emotional and psychological impacts of divorce on kids, although I know it all personally and first hand. I am neither an attorney or judge, although I have witnessed the most deplorable atrocities of these "professionals" and have researched and acted on my own behalf in hearings and legal proceedings.

I am a divorced parent and have been the recipient of the collusion that is perpetrated between uninvolved attorneys, judicial laziness and the unmerciful actions of an ex who, as in your situation, is pursuing your anguish and demise by using the kids as the weapon of choice.

I have not had to endure the unthinkable tragedies that many of you have, such as your children's lives being in physical danger. My kids have not been kidnapped, taken away to a place I did not know, leaving me with no idea if I would EVER see them again. I've read your stories in the newspapers, on the Internet and have seen them on televison. These are horrific circumstances that I can only empathize with but never understand, having never gone through them myself.

However, I do know what it feels like to be denied access to talking with your kids, seeing your kids and interacting with your kids in any normal fashion. I've experienced having their grandparents cut off from all communication, their cousins, aunts and uncles shunned, having their names changed without your consent, and generally using every means possible to erase all connections to their birthright and heritage.

Much of what I share with you will help you to see and interact with your kids more often. It will not change the disposition of your ex, it may not change the unpleasantness of your circumstances, but it can change your ability to grow and communicate with your children in a fruitful and beneficial manner for all.

I teach a class for the University of Wisconsin on entrepreneurship for people who wish to start and run a business for themselves. At the beginning of each session I tell them, "This class will utilize textbooks for technical and detailed information only. Those you can read on your own. My job is to give you the REAL story about how to run a business. I will teach you the REALITY of what you need to do to accomplish your goals. I don't believe in theory; I believe in the lessons that come from real experiences. I'll give you the good and the bad. I won't hold back, because only when you know the whole truth can you make the wisest and best decisions for your own life."

I make this same promise to you.

There are numerous books written by well-meaning and technically accurate authors, instructing you on how to deal with your ex and what to do in the best interest of the children. I've read them.

But I couldn't find anything that gave me real life. I couldn't find anything that told me what it was going to feel like to be denied seeing my kids. No one told me about the tricks that opposing attorneys would pull to fulfill the wishes of their clients but to the detriment of our children. No one told me how I would be lied to straight to my face, and it wouldn't matter in the eyes of the court. No one told me you could "fake" your way through the system only to ignore any written and oral agreements made before witnesses. No one told me mediation was unenforceable. No one told me judges would say that a dad was "wasting the court's time" when trying to see his kids. No one told me about Christmases that would be lost, telephones that go unanswered, letters that go unopened, grand-parents secluded and rejected, a daughter crying on the front step because she doesn't want to leave her dad, a teenage son with tears streaming down his face saying, "This is bullshit. It's got to stop. I can't take it anymore."

No one told me about these things.

But I will tell you. And I'll tell you how to protect yourself, your children and your relationship with them. I wasn't told any of this. There was no resource to draw from when I was getting divorced that would be honest and straightforward about what could happen. I naively believed that everything would turn out better:

˜ when your ex got remarried,
˜ when the kids got older,
˜ when the kids got their driver's license,
˜ when your ex got more money,
˜ when your ex got her own way,
˜ when, when, when . . . .

But it doesn't work that way. Things don't necessarily get better. Then you're disappointed. You become frustrated. You give up. Or worse . . .

Research by the International Committee for the Study of Victimization revealed that people who suffered serious adversity and survived fell generally into three categories: those who were permanently dispirited by the event, those who got their life back to normal, and those who used the experience as a defining event that made them stronger. These circumstances that you and your kids are living through can be your "defining event," your opportunity to grow stronger, ready for that time when you can advance your relationship without hindrances or obstacles.

It is best illustrated by your choice whether to be a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean. When placed into boiling water a carrot will become soft and mushy, essentially ineffectual and powerless. An egg will become hard and dry, its crusted exterior not allowing any love or light to enter for fear of being hurt again.

A coffee bean, however, when placed into boiling water changes the water! Coffee beans bring added value to its surroundings making it better than before. You and I can do the same in these most difficult of times. We can choose how to act and respond in such a way that we bring love and energy to those people and circumstances we find ourselves, most importantly our kids.

This book is born out of the pain that a parent and his kids lived through - my own. But it doesn't have to be this way for you. Happy theories work in storybooks and television shows, but as in the movie "The Truman Show," not everything is as it seems. There may be under-currents working against you, and you don't even know it. I'm here to tell you about them and how to avoid their devastating results.

Since I am a dad, that is the perspective I'm writing from. I know there are moms who are in the same situation -- it's just not as prevalent since court rulings generally give mothers primary placement of the children. But I know you are there and you hurt as all parents do who are shut off from their kids. So, although I say "dads" and "fathers," this is relevant and accurate information for you and other family members as well, and I invite you to join us as divorced parents in a common journey.

This is NOT legal advice. But I have dealt with lawyers who worked for and were paid by me. Some were paid by me but actually worked against me. Others were against me and not paid by me. I've also appeared before judges who have their own individual agendas and biases. In some cases, I will be quoting directly from transcripts of actual court hearings. You will "hear" what judges have actually said. You will see how the system can be manipulated against you and your best intentions. I can only give you my personal experience and what I would do if I had my life to live over again as a divorced parent. I'm giving you the benefit of history so that you can avoid making some of the same erroneous decisions.

"Books are where things are explained to you;
life is where things aren't."
C Julain Barnes

My hope is that by writing this book, both parents will have the opportunity to develop a relationship with his child that may not have been possible if blindly going through the system and trusting what others are saying. I share this with caution, but I haven't met anyone trustworthy in a divorce/children situation except those who have already gone through it PERSONALLY.

For example, I would not give your case to an attorney without any experience in child custody issues. They do not have the personal experience to fathom what is at stake in these proceedings. Yes, they know the law and what it does or does not allow and, yes, they generally know what a particular judge will or will not accept. But that doesn't mean they will fight for every option or alternative to ensure you are protected while developing your parent/child relationship.

However, you may have no choice but to hire an attorney without this experience. That's why you need to read what I have to say so that you can DIRECT your attorney to achieve the outcomes you are striving for. THEY work for YOU. (More on that subject later.)

As I work out with my friend to raise my level of physical strength, to lift a heavier weight, I put my mind in a place other than the temporary pain I may be experiencing. My mental focus turns to you -- the divorced parent who is being denied his children. As hard as I work to successfully lift that bar, I will work just as hard to share completely and honestly what to do in these trying times.

I know what it feels like to want to give up.

I know what it means to have a letter in your child's hand-writing, telling you it's best if you don't attend his sporting games because the other parent doesn't want you there.

I had driven four hours to see my kids, only to be handed this letter, my mind exploding in disbelief and anguish. I began to drive back home at 10 p.m., through the black, hell-like night, my breathing in deep, hyperventilating gasps, my vision blurred by tears, my shattered heart giving up all hope of a "normal" parent/child relationship.

I unbuckled my seatbelt. On a desolate, wooded stretch of Highway 8 West outside of Rhinelander, Wisconsin, I gave up. A semi was coming in the opposite direction of this lonely two-lane backwoods road, and I prepared to meet God right then and there. My hand slowly turned the wheel, and my Yukon inched over into his lane, ready to take this five-ton mammoth head-on. I no longer wanted to live in a world where I couldn't see my kids, couldn't be a part of their lives.

I didn't divorce the kids. I loved them with all my heart. Why, just because I couldn't live with their mother, was I denied being their dad?

But a quiet, still voice inside my head and heart said that I, as a created child of God, still had value and I needed to keep on living. I didn't know how or why, but I needed to be alive should there come a time when my kids would need me. Maybe not right now, but someday. And unconsciously my truck inched its way back safely in the right hand lane and the semi blasted by, not knowing what fate it may have played in one more dad who had given up hope.

Please don't give up.

You do have value, and you are still needed.

There is much you can do.

This book may be the beginning for you . . .

Because this is your personal guide: the information about preserving and protecting your relationship with your child that attorneys, judges and your ex have not told you.

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